Unresolved Mom Issues at Death

Unresolved Mom Issues at Death
Mean Mom, Nice Mom and Dementia

Mean Mom, Nice Mom and Dementia

Here is a painful subject that I am going to bring up. Hundreds of people have reached out to me in the last week since my mother passed. So many of them shared a story about their own mom passing. Some were wonderful experiences that they will treasure and others were not. Sudden deaths are very hard. Every personal death I have experienced in my life was sudden, except for my mom’s death. You can read about my mom’s passing experience HERE.

You either had a loving caring parent or you did not. This article is for those who did not.

Many vulnerable sons and daughters were abused by either their mom or dad, sometimes both. We live in world that accepts dysfunctional families now. Family abuse that was hidden in the 1950’s and 1960’s can now be accepted in the mainstream. There are resources and counseling available so abused children (who have become adults) can acknowledge the abuse and move on.

My mother was abusive to all her young children. You can read my article MEAN MOM, NICE MOM and DEMENTIA HERE.

A wonderful counselor changed my life for the better and his recommendation is explained in my article MEAN MOM, NICE MOM and DEMENTIA HERE. My mom and I enjoyed over 20 years of a good adult relationship. I forgave her. Many of you know I have advocated for my mom’s care needs for the past 10 years.

So what happens if an abused adult son or daughter still has unresolved issues at death with mom? Do they go to the funeral? Do they have a free pass not to attend?

What have you encountered?

It seems ironic now, that my new book is dedicated to my mom. Writing this blog has been therapy for me over the last three years. After sharing numerous stories about my mom, several senior living people said you should write a book to help other seniors and their families. So I did and “Your Senior Housing Options” was published recently.

I love you mother and hope your stories peppered through the book can help others learn their options and plan ahead. So many seniors fight to stay home and then a sudden crisis causes them to lose their ability to choose like my in-laws did. What person in their right mind wants to be put someplace?  My in-laws have no choices now.  Seniors and their families should study the options and costs now.  The greatest gift my mom ever gave me was to plan ahead at age 75, so her transition to assisted living was a good one.  She recently passed at age 92 in skilled nursing care.

Diane has worked in senior housing for 17 years and is the regional marketing director for two debt-free Continuing Care Retirement Communities in Southern CA (Freedom Village in Lake Forest and The Village in Hemet).  Her first book “Senior Housing Marketing – How to Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full,” is being utilized by senior housing professionals across the country.


  1. From Linked IN
    Lorie Eber
    Personal Wellness Coach at Lorie Eber Wellness Coaching
    Top Contributor

    Diane, I would not say my mother abused her 5 kids, it was more neglect. She was not really interested in the mother role, despite having 5 children. I remember realizing this in high school and deciding to forgive her. She was simply incapable. Good thing my Dad was a great parent! You have to forgive and move on. Otherwise bad parenting can ruin your life.

    • Yes Lorie! Great point about not being interested! I am glad you forgave and moved on. It fits with your healthy lifestyle.

  2. F. Todd Winninger
    LION 10,500+ Connections; Marketing/Sales Expertise; Licensed Funeral Director (LFD)

    I think this is more prevalent than you think. My brother-in-law grieved terribly over the death of my father [his father-in-law] but zero for his biological dad.

  3. Sherry Picker MSW Paradise Home Health Care
    High-Integrity Sales and Marketing Professional with expertise in the Home Health Care, Hospitality, and Media Sectors

    we all must survive our childhoods. One of neglect and abuse is even more damaging and challenging. Get therapy if the damage is greater than you can tackle alone.
    In order to move on, break a cycle and have a healthier life. It can take a long time but get to forgiveness/acceptance and hopefully move on with your own life in your own right.