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Diane Masson has empowered thousands of seniors to plan ahead and gives great tips for adult children whose parents are in a health care crisis. “Your Senior Housing Options,” is an award winning book that can answer all your questions and empower you to help any struggling senior. More free tips at Tips2Seniors.com.
Learn free tips and advice from a senior living expert who has walked the journey with thousands of seniors in four states. Diane Masson’s professional and personal senior living experience includes:
Identifying the important considerations of staying home versus moving to a retirement community.
Helping her own mom plan ahead and move to a Continuing Care Retirement Community, before she had dementia.
Supporting her in-laws when they were simultaneously in hospitals and had to be put into different facilities (assisted living and skilled nursing).
How do you keep your mom or dad safe in a memory care community or assisted living? A retired cop moved into my mother-in-law’s memory care community and has been demonstrating sexual and violent aggression against her, other residents, and staff. This is what my family is facing now. Read about the incidents in, “Violence in Memory Care,” HERE.
This is a list of whom we have emphatically voiced our concerns:
Caregivers
The nurse
The Administrator
Two ombudsmen
The State of Washington (surveyors of licensed assisted living)
Adult Protective Services
Our family requested a care conference to discuss the safety of my mother-in-law, Amy. Two ombudsmen, the administrator, three adult children and myself attended it. It was the worst care conference that I have ever experienced in my 17 years working as a professional in senior living. On a personal level, I have attended numerous care conferences for nine years as an advocate for my own mother who had dementia. There is always a conclusion at the end of the care conference that provides some sense of hope for improving care or concerns.
Why was this care conference so bad?
The administrator would only talk about Amy. She refused to discuss Amy’s safety in regards to the aggressive cop, because of HIPPA. She refused to share any measures or policies that the staff was following for Amy’s safety. Are you kidding me? I specifically asked, “What are you doing to protect her?” She said that she could not answer that question and kept talking in circles.
The ombudsmen were no help either. They said they could only discuss Amy because we gave them permission to do so. They could not discuss any other residents or the aggressive retired cop because they had not been given permission to do so. Nobody would address the elephant in the room, which was an aggressive retired cop with dementia preying on vulnerable residents.
What about Amy’s safety? What about the other residents’ safety?
The state did a surprise visit to the memory care community last week and said there are no new violations. This community is in a rural part of Washington State. There is not another community in the local area.
Any advice from senior living professionals? What else can we do?
Tip: For adult children looking for memory care or assisted living. Interview the administrator, before you move your parent into the community. Find out how long they have worked there. We did this and the answer was two years. Life was good for Amy until this experienced administrator moved on.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
A former cop moved into my mother-in-law’s memory care community. He was doing simulated punches to people including the administrator. The administrator was worried the punches might become real, because seniors with dementia do not have good depth perception. Then my sister-in-law witnessed him doing it to my mother-in-law, Amy. She was horrified.
My sister-in-law was sitting across from her mom. The former cop came up from behind my sister-in-law and then she saw a fist heading for Amy’s face. The fist stopped six inches away. Here is the weird part. A caregiver witnessed the whole thing, but showed no concern, never said a word, or redirected him. He did walk away and the caregiver accompanied him down the hall. My sister-in-law shouted, “That was not cool,” after them.
So the staff started locking residents’ rooms because they caught the former cop standing over sleeping residents. The doors were locked at night so residents could still wander out, but he could not wander in.
Something combative must have happened between the former cop and a staff person. They would not say what but my sister-in-law observed that he was gone over a day and then came back drugged. All these situations have transpired over two weeks.
My sister-in-law is very worried about Amy. What if she gets up in the night and leaves her room? What if the former cop is out too? Amy will have nowhere to go because every door is locked. A few days ago my sister-in-law discovered the doors to the residents rooms were locked during the day. She shared her disapproval with the administrator. The administrator said it was because both residents were asleep in the room (which they were doing at the time). My sister-in-law said to the administrator, “You said you would only lock the doors at night.”
Who is protecting the residents? The community says they cannot provide one-on-one care for the former cop. They say he has rights too and just can’t make him leave. If another violent incident happens he will be thrown in jail because there is a 49-day wait for a geripsych hospital.
One caregiver shared that the former cop pointed to himself and then her. Then he made gestures of sexual intercourse. He tried to grab her behind, but she wouldn’t let him. Other caregivers do let him grab their behinds and laugh. This is very concerning to our family, because how can someone with dementia distinguish who is a caregiver and who is a resident? He should always be redirected on proper behavior. He is not. There is no redirecting consistency with the caregiving staff.
When my sister-in-law shared the above examples with the administrator she said, “The caregivers are burned out and fearful of him. I am glad you told me and I will talk to staff about consistency.”
The family called the omsbudman and the state. The state triggered a call back to the family from adult protective services. They wanted to know if Amy was afraid. The answer was yes!
Recently, Amy was watching the fish swim in the 100-gallon tank. The former cop came up behind her and grabbed both of her arms. She screamed. My sister-in-law heard the story from a caregiver. Here was Amy’s interpretation to her daughter: Amy said, “A drunk guy grabbed me and tried to beat me up.” She pointed to the former cop and said, “There is that bad man, I don’t like him.”
Is the facility doing all that they can and should? Should this guy be gone? How much violence is okay in a licensed assisted living community in Washington State?
Any answers would be much appreciated.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
“I am not ready yet.” Illustration courtesy of, “Your Senior Housing Options” book.
Every single one of us knows a senior who is struggling in their home. Some seniors silently suffer and others have a whole network of support from family and friends.
Daughters may call their mom once a day to inquire if her senior parent is okay OR no answer could mean they fell again and need help.
Result: Senior falls often lead to fractured hips, 911 calls, skilled nursing care with physically therapy and needing 24/7 care.
A son may set his senior parent up with medications in a pillbox and then call two or three times a day to make sure his parent has taken them.
Result: This can be effective until the senior says, “What are these pills for? I don’t want to take them.” Most family members are not there in person twice a day to make sure the senior ingests the pills.
Kind neighbors may make an extra plate of dinner every night and take it to their senior neighbor.
Result: Neighbors get frustrated and burned out, spending every single night away from their own family for one year or more. This type of support can’t go on and on.
Daughters may spend every other Saturday cleaning mom’s house, grocery shopping and setting up her senior parent to survive for another two weeks.
Result: Even if the daughter lives two hours away, this type of help eventually turns into every Saturday. If the daughter works full time, it can never be daily help, then what?
What is the answer to a senior struggling to manage in their home?
Result: It’s time to talk turkey with a senior.
There are five typical results in having “The Talk” with a senior:
Denial: “I am just fine living in my own home. I am not ready yet.”
Shutting down: “I don’t want to discuss this.”
Anger: “Why are you questioning my ability to be independent? Leave me alone.”
Confusion: “Don’t you want to come see me everyday? I don’t understand.”
Acceptance: “I understand that I have become a burden. Maybe it’s time to look at what my senior housing options could be. I am tired of being lonely. Will you help me look?”
In my 17-year senior housing career, my teams and I have helped thousands of seniors improve the quality of their life by making a planned move into an independent living, assisted living or Continuing Care Retirement Community. No one ever chooses memory care or skilled nursing, but those are options for many seniors (like my own in-laws) who waited too long and ended up in a health care crisis. Both my in-laws were hospitalized simultaneously in different hospitals and both their doctor’s told them they needed 24/7 care and could not return home. There was so much unnecessary suffering in my family and I don’t wish it on anyone. Such as my mother-in-law with dementia being given psychotropic medications (they don’t mix well). She has never been the same. Maybe my experiences can save you from a senior health care crisis?
Next week my blog will feature: 7 Tips to have “The Talk” with a Senior.
If this article struck a cord with you, please share it on social media to help others. If you have a friend or neighbor going through a struggle with a senior, let them know about next week’s blog.
Give the gift of knowledge: “Your Senior Housing Options” is an easy read with illustrations. It walks seniors and their adult children through the costs and pitfalls of navigating senior housing and includes the chapter on the “7 Deadly Sins of Searching for Senior Housing Options.”
News Flash: Diane Masson’s new interview on Generation Bold Radio will broadcast on Sunday, December 6th on the BizTalkRadio Network syndicated to 33 stations across the country.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books sold through Amazon. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full. Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
