How do you keep your mom or dad safe in a memory care community or assisted living? A retired cop moved into my mother-in-law’s memory care community and has been demonstrating sexual and violent aggression against her, other residents, and staff. This is what my family is facing now. Read about the incidents in, “Violence in Memory Care,” HERE.
This is a list of whom we have emphatically voiced our concerns:
Caregivers
The nurse
The Administrator
Two ombudsmen
The State of Washington (surveyors of licensed assisted living)
Adult Protective Services
Our family requested a care conference to discuss the safety of my mother-in-law, Amy. Two ombudsmen, the administrator, three adult children and myself attended it. It was the worst care conference that I have ever experienced in my 17 years working as a professional in senior living. On a personal level, I have attended numerous care conferences for nine years as an advocate for my own mother who had dementia. There is always a conclusion at the end of the care conference that provides some sense of hope for improving care or concerns.
Why was this care conference so bad?
The administrator would only talk about Amy. She refused to discuss Amy’s safety in regards to the aggressive cop, because of HIPPA. She refused to share any measures or policies that the staff was following for Amy’s safety. Are you kidding me? I specifically asked, “What are you doing to protect her?” She said that she could not answer that question and kept talking in circles.
The ombudsmen were no help either. They said they could only discuss Amy because we gave them permission to do so. They could not discuss any other residents or the aggressive retired cop because they had not been given permission to do so. Nobody would address the elephant in the room, which was an aggressive retired cop with dementia preying on vulnerable residents.
What about Amy’s safety? What about the other residents’ safety?
The state did a surprise visit to the memory care community last week and said there are no new violations. This community is in a rural part of Washington State. There is not another community in the local area.
Any advice from senior living professionals? What else can we do?
Tip: For adult children looking for memory care or assisted living. Interview the administrator, before you move your parent into the community. Find out how long they have worked there. We did this and the answer was two years. Life was good for Amy until this experienced administrator moved on.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
Did you share a holiday dinner with a struggling senior? Have the basics become difficult for your senior parent? Is there a little dementia? Learn how to have “The Talk,” with a senior from author Diane Masson.
Happy holidays from Diane Masson and Tips2Seniors.com
A former cop moved into my mother-in-law’s memory care community. He was doing simulated punches to people including the administrator. The administrator was worried the punches might become real, because seniors with dementia do not have good depth perception. Then my sister-in-law witnessed him doing it to my mother-in-law, Amy. She was horrified.
My sister-in-law was sitting across from her mom. The former cop came up from behind my sister-in-law and then she saw a fist heading for Amy’s face. The fist stopped six inches away. Here is the weird part. A caregiver witnessed the whole thing, but showed no concern, never said a word, or redirected him. He did walk away and the caregiver accompanied him down the hall. My sister-in-law shouted, “That was not cool,” after them.
So the staff started locking residents’ rooms because they caught the former cop standing over sleeping residents. The doors were locked at night so residents could still wander out, but he could not wander in.
Something combative must have happened between the former cop and a staff person. They would not say what but my sister-in-law observed that he was gone over a day and then came back drugged. All these situations have transpired over two weeks.
My sister-in-law is very worried about Amy. What if she gets up in the night and leaves her room? What if the former cop is out too? Amy will have nowhere to go because every door is locked. A few days ago my sister-in-law discovered the doors to the residents rooms were locked during the day. She shared her disapproval with the administrator. The administrator said it was because both residents were asleep in the room (which they were doing at the time). My sister-in-law said to the administrator, “You said you would only lock the doors at night.”
Who is protecting the residents? The community says they cannot provide one-on-one care for the former cop. They say he has rights too and just can’t make him leave. If another violent incident happens he will be thrown in jail because there is a 49-day wait for a geripsych hospital.
One caregiver shared that the former cop pointed to himself and then her. Then he made gestures of sexual intercourse. He tried to grab her behind, but she wouldn’t let him. Other caregivers do let him grab their behinds and laugh. This is very concerning to our family, because how can someone with dementia distinguish who is a caregiver and who is a resident? He should always be redirected on proper behavior. He is not. There is no redirecting consistency with the caregiving staff.
When my sister-in-law shared the above examples with the administrator she said, “The caregivers are burned out and fearful of him. I am glad you told me and I will talk to staff about consistency.”
The family called the omsbudman and the state. The state triggered a call back to the family from adult protective services. They wanted to know if Amy was afraid. The answer was yes!
Recently, Amy was watching the fish swim in the 100-gallon tank. The former cop came up behind her and grabbed both of her arms. She screamed. My sister-in-law heard the story from a caregiver. Here was Amy’s interpretation to her daughter: Amy said, “A drunk guy grabbed me and tried to beat me up.” She pointed to the former cop and said, “There is that bad man, I don’t like him.”
Is the facility doing all that they can and should? Should this guy be gone? How much violence is okay in a licensed assisted living community in Washington State?
Any answers would be much appreciated.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
Meet Betty, a senior resident, who was born in 1926 as a child of the depression. Her life was different back then and every family was very frugal. When she grew up and went to work, ladies wore dresses, hats and girdles. It was just the way of the world back in the thirties and forties.
According to Betty, the young people today have not experienced the depression nor the constant thought of frugalness. She said, “Your generation has a freedom that I never had. You have a choice of how to dress at work. It is more casual than in my day. Plus, I would never be able to keep up with the technology. I’m so impressed with the technology and all that you can get done in a short time span.” Betty admires what the workforce of today can accomplish.
As she walked into the exercise room at her Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) with her walker, Betty said, “I can’t use all the fancy equipment in here, but I can keep walking. Even when I watch TV, I am walking in place and using my arms and staying active.” She proceeded to show off about four arm exercises that she utilizes. It was a very impressive demonstration.
Here’s the best quote from spending time with wonderful Betty: She said, “I can’t stop the years from slipping by. I am just so happy to say that I have had a fabulous life.”
What a delight during this time of the year to share a senior’s story. Betty is a senior who has been living at a CCRC for 10 years and is still fighting to stay active and keep her brain engaged and dementia-free.
Do you have a senior story to share? Maybe your senior story is a friend, neighbor, parent or resident at your senior living community? Please share in the comments…
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books sold through Amazon. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
Last week the Tips2Seniors blog discussed: “Seniors in Denial, Relying on Friends and Family.” Every single one of us knows a senior who is struggling in their home. Some seniors silently suffer and others have a whole network of support from family and friends.
Ultimately when a loved one or neighbor tries to have “The Talk” with the senior it can have five typical results:
Denial: “I am not ready yet. I am just fine living in my own home.”
Shutting down: “I don’t want to discuss this.”
Anger: “Why are you questioning my ability to be independent? Leave me alone.”
Confusion: “Don’t you want to come see me everyday? I don’t understand.”
Acceptance: “I understand that I have become a burden. Maybe it’s time to look at what my senior housing options could be. Will you help me look?”
In my 17-year senior housing career, sons, daughters and spouses have asked me the same question, how do I have “The Talk.”
Here are my 7 Tips to have “The Talk.”
Set the stage for “The Talk”. You know if it is better to have “The Talk” in public or private with your senior.
Public talk: Take them out to eat in a public location (so they can’t yell at you or they can’t escape into their bedroom).
Private talk: Buy or make your seniors their favorite cookies. Serve the favorite cookies with their special coffee or tea at their dining room table.
Tell your senior how much you love them.
Then share your concerns, be very factual. Such as:
You have fallen twice.
You missed your medications three times this week.
I come over here every day to help you.
Explain your fears in loving detail. Every day when I call you my heart stops till you answer the phone on the third ring. I can’t handle the stress. It is making me sick with worry. I can’t keep this up. If something happens to me, you will be in jeopardy. (It is okay to cry and show your emotions. This is very emotional.)
Recommend a solution to explore senior housing options together. I know you don’t want to move but it will be healthier for you and healthier for me. Let’s do this together.
There is a book that can teach us how to find a great retirement community versus a mediocre one. Here’s the book, it is called, “Your Senior Housing Options.”
Depending on your senior, read it to them or you each read it on your own. Use the tips and advice in the book to find the best senior housing arrangement.
Schedule a luncheon tour at a local retirement community that you have vetted with the tips from the book, “Your Senior Housing Options.”
If this article struck a cord with you, please share it on social media to help a friend or neighbor going through a struggle with a senior.
Give the gift of knowledge:“Your Senior Housing Options,” is an easy read with illustrations. It walks seniors and their adult children through the costs and pitfalls of navigating senior housing and includes the “7 Deadly Sins of Searching for Senior Housing Options.”
News Flash: Diane Masson’s interview on Generation Bold Radio broadcasted on Sunday, December 6th on the BizTalkRadio Network syndicated to 33 stations across the country.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books sold through Amazon. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Reach out to her through her website: Tips2Seniors.com and read the weekly blog.
How do you keep your mom or dad safe in a memory care community or assisted living? A retired cop moved into my mother-in-law’s memory care community and has been demonstrating sexual and violent aggression against her, other residents, and staff. This is what my family is facing now. Read about the incidents in, “Violence in Memory Care,” HERE.
